I'm gonna make this intro short.
This was supposed to be uploaded a couple months ago, fuck I even made a status post about it, at 3 in the morning, like some kind of madman. But some pretty strong emotions kept me from doing it. I've calmed down a lot since then, I talked about it with a lot of people, got some opinions, did some thinking. And, while the memory is still fresh, I'm going to upload what I hope is my last large vent post. Not just for the year. I'm hoping this is the last one, period.
I give to you, a summary. This all happened late November. My grandma's clothes dryer wasn't working, I needed to do laundry. I asked my dad if I could do it at his house. He said yes. His wife found out. She took her lunch-break to come over for a """""talk""""". It turned into a screaming match and I left that house surprised that I could feel so much resentment towards one person.
A lot of things were said, but here are some of the things I took note of throughout the conversation:
- She was not happy that my dad was informed about the things she had been saying to me, saying that it wasn't right. I told her that he had a right to know about her behavior.
- Apparently my "plan" to drive them apart is working. I told her that I didn't have a plan and that any problems they were having as a couple was theirs alone. Also, I have no interest in fucking with their marriage. I'm not petty enough to play those games.
- She got upset upon discovering that I was recording our conversation and demanded I stop. I told her that I had every right to do so. She demanded that I take my laundry and leave the house. I told her my dad wouldn't like that. She got over it.
- "Have fun sharing an apartment with your dad." Thanks, I will.
- After telling her that she's the source of my anxiety, she retorted that she's had more anxiety than I'll ever experience and that I can't use mine as an excuse. I informed her that it wasn't a competition and I had every right to how I feel. It fell on deaf ears.
- She also added that I give her anxiety too. I asked how. She said that me not having health insurance is very anxious for her. I don't want to be one of those people who goes, "I have blah you can't be this because you don't feel XYZ" but...that health insurance thing sounds more like a concern than anything else.
- When asked to be given example on what she did wrong, I reminded her that she insulted my video gaming hobby and all of my hobbies in general. She claimed that she didn't remember. I retold the same story I told you guys in my previous journal. She suddenly remembered that, yes, she did say those things to me. And she still thinks that I shouldn't have hobbies because I don't have a career.
- This is why I record the conversations. She always denies everything.
- I called her condescending. She seemed confused as to why I, or anyone for that matter, would call her that. She asked for a definition. I gave it to her. She disagreed with me and asked how her love and guidance was condescending. I gave her a few examples. She disagreed with me, again.
- I made an attempt to get her to see things differently. If our roles were reversed and I had the career and she had the part time job then she wouldn't be able to enjoy her gardening, or having dogs, or going to craft shows to indulge her hoarding, or making trips to fancy restaurants in Chicago. She agreed that it sounded pretty condescending. "Yes! So you get it?!" I asked. She answered with, "No, I was only repeating what you said earlier". I almost slapped her for being a brat.
- I like seeing people's reactions to this part of the story. They range from open mouths of shock to swears and justifiable anger.
- She told me, "What I do with my money is none of your business." Then why is what I do with my money your business?!
- She made a snide remark about me needing a car to get to a job, any job. Sorry my job isn't within walking distance from my house. It's a thing that a lot of people can't really control. I also can't help that I come from a family that is appalled by the idea of me taking the bus (for safety reasons, I'm not trying to shame bus people). I think she's just still upset that she wasn't the one who helped me get my first car, thus removing an element of control she could have used against me.
- I screamed at her at one point. I told her that this was exactly why I didn't like her, why I couldn't talk to her about anything, why her standards and advice and "love" make me so goddamn anxious. She takes no responsibility for her words or actions, she twists things, she lies, she always makes herself look like the victim. I went off on her, years of pent up frustration came out in a matter of minutes. And the whole time that I did, she had to most robotic look on her face. There was no emotion; no guilt, no sadness, no empathy, perhaps there was a hint of anger but other than that...there was nothing. And it honestly scared me.
- I think this was the moment I came to a realization: No matter what I do, no matter how loud I scream, no matter how often I repeat myself...nothing was going to change.
- She asked where I would live when my grandma died. I told her I had at least thirty more years to figure that out, and chances are it wouldn't take me thirty years to find a new place. She informed me that living alone costs money, that bills and rent cost money. I told her I could find something affordable, I did it before. And even if I did find something a bit out of my price range, there's nothing stopping me from getting a roommate.
- While we're on it, what's the problem with having a support group that wants to help me out? When my sister laments how she'd let me move in with her if her house was bigger, it's not because I constantly begged her to let me sleep in a spare room, it's because she knows I'm responsible and would love to help me if she had the chance. When my mom feels bad about not having any room for me in her chaotic house, it's not because I tried to worm my way under her roof, it's because she loves me. When my previous landlord offers to take time out of his day to help me find a new place so that I don't have to move back in with family, it's not because I asked him to do that, it's because he's super cool. I didn't ask any of those people to help me nor did I ever ask to move in with them, because honestly I believe....I'm not worth it. I'm not worth their time or their kindness. I didn't even ask my grandma! She offered to help and just made the decision that I was moving in a week after she made the offer. She had to drag me to her house because I was being a stubborn ass.
- I get the feeling that she's just jealous? Even so, the wife not having anyone to rely on is not my problem, that's her own doing. If she's going to be an ass because I have people in my life that genuinely want to help, she's better off not being a part of that life.
- She gave me an example of her own. She mentioned that my late grandpa (on my dad's side) never let any of his kids stay at his house when they needed help and she always found that decision strange. But then it hit her; why should he open his nice, peaceful, home that he put a lot of time and money into to people who just want to have fun, and make a mess, and wake everyone up when they come home because the dogs are barking, and are generally annoying. "Oh, so you think I'm annoying then?" I asked. She demanded that I answer her question and repeated the scenario again. I knew what she was trying to do and answered that not helping his kids was grandpa's decision, my grandma wanting to help me out is hers. That wasn't the answer that she was looking for and claimed this wasn't about my grandma, then repeated the question. This happened three more times before she finally gave up.
- Also, dogs bark. That's their thing. It's something they're hardwired to do. If you don't like the noise that comes with owning a dog, then don't adopt one.
- I brought up the three times she threatened to divorce my dad due to my behavior. She denied that it happened. I went into detail about the first time she did it, which was after I had some friends over. I admit that it was partially my fault, but my dad said having them over was okay and we weren't very rowdy for the most part. The morning after, she came at me with a list of things that needed to change on my end and if things stayed as they were, hello divorce lawyer. She asked if this happened while she was on Xanax, it might have. Apparently, she wasn't feeling like herself when she was on Xanax and wasn't in control of any of the verbal abuse she dished out, so I can't hold that against her and gotta let it go. I told her that was bullshit; pills or no pills, she still said it, it still hurt, and she has to take responsibility for it. I can't call my friend a brain dead, pig fucking, failure of a retard one day and then try to cover it up the next by saying, "I stubbed my toe when I said all of that and wasn't feeling like myself. You can't hold that against me, bro. You gotta let it go."
- This isn't the first time she tried to get out of being responsible. Earlier this year, we had a talk over lunch and she admitted that all the pain and frustration she's brought into my life was because she was introvert. Real class act from that woman.
- This is now an inside joke in my friend group. They'll jokingly tell me to get a career and I'll tell them to stop blaming their problems on the Xanax. I also tell them that they can't be mad at me because I'm an introvert. We have fun with it, it's that ridiculous.
- She informed me that my dad said she wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore. I wonder if it has something to do with her being a manipulative asshole?
- "Your dad says that 'you always mean what you say'. And 'words hurt more than fists'. And I completely agree with him." Now let me prove I didn't learn a damn thing from him and keep saying things that hurt you that I will then try to deny saying later.
- She suggested group therapy, with my therapist. 1. That's not possible (although I wish it was). 2. Why would you want to set up an appointment with my super biased therapist? She's knows everything about your bullshit dude.
- She thinks group therapy will fix things, all the things. However, something is holding the family back from doing this, and she claimed it wasn't her, so it's gotta be either me or my dad. First of all, I heard nothing about group therapy from him, not even a casual suggestion. Second, he probably doesn't want to put me in a situation that will start a series of panic attacks. Third, I'm done shouting at this woman and getting nothing from it. If I wanted to waste my time yelling at something and get no satisfaction when I'm done, I'll go to my nearest wall, thank you.
- She finds it weird how I tolerated her as kid and my sister hated her, but now it's reversed. My sister wants our dad to be in her son's life, putting up with the wife is just a very unfortunate consequence. She still hates her, we talk shit about the wife often.
- We talked more about jobs and careers, and she mentioned that she worked in one department of the local college for fifteen years even though the whole department was constantly trying to get her fired, but she stayed because she had a family to take care of and bills to pay. And all I could think about was; if a whole department in a college campus is working together for fifteen years to get one person fired, who's the bad guy at point? What did she do to make that many people want to see her crash and burn? You know, other than being an ass.
- She handed me a brochure with some info on it and pointed out that the woman on the front of it also had issues against her, and wanted me to guess why. I figured it had something to do with being condescending and rude.
- She asked what she could do better. She just wanted to help. How could she deliver her "love" and "guidance" in a way that didn't start a fight or sound condescending? Should she just stop all together? I told her that she could say whatever she wanted, but by the end of the day I'm not going to give a single shit. It's okay for her to have an opinion, but she shouldn't be forcing that opinion on me.
- Is there even a point to her begging what she can do to change? I know she doesn't mean it. She's just gonna look back on that conversation and go, "I tried being rude and passive aggressive to get my point across, but what if I tried being even more rude and passive aggressive next time? Then she'll listen!"
- She was taking notes throughout the conversation. It was nice of her to make a reminder on all things she doesn't give a shit about fixing.
- She said that if she ever sounded condescending again, I should tell her and she'll try to fix it. I see no point in correcting behavior that isn't going to improve in the first place.
...that all happened in the span of one hour. I just wanted to do laundry.
After a rough day and a couple hours of crying/frantically trying to distract myself from the incident, I brought all of this to my dad's attention the next day, and he's understandably tired. The dude's old, he just wants his family to get along but his wife doesn't know how to act like a decent human being. He even made me and my sister promise him years ago that we'd look out for her after he dies. But at this point, I gotta break that promise. I did what I could, I gave her more chances than I should have and suffered for it, but in the end she did all of this to herself. She tore the family apart for a reason, and I can only hope that one day she looks back and realizes she's fucked up.
I'm proud to say that as of October 1 2019, her number has been blocked on my phone and her emails now automatically get sent to my spam folder, I don't even get a notification. It's a bitter sweat victory though, since I still see her during holidays and birthdays but also because...I should have done all of this years ago. It shouldn't have taken me this long to get here and it makes me feel like an idiot. But, my therapist told me that this was a valuable lesson for me. If I had cut her out of my life years ago, I would have never figured out why I had to do that to begin with. It would have been chalked up as rebellion. But my kindness compelled me to stick around and now I have a reason, I have several actually: she's toxic, she's a narcissist, she's irresponsible, she's the source of my anxiety and depression, she makes me hate myself.
But in the middle of all this bullshit, I came to the realization that I'm surrounded by people who love me, and want to help, and think I'm cool...and I'm always going to have those people in my corner. And they'll always want to help and encourage me, no matter how hard I try to push them away.
I think it's time for me to let them help.
With her out of the picture, I'm hoping that things will get better. I don't know how they will, or when, of if I'll even have the motivation to make it happen...but that's what I'm hoping for. And maybe, if I'm lucky, I won't have to make vent posts like this as often, or at all. Not having the constant feeling of anticipating a nasty text message is already having a positive effect on me. It feels good. I feel free. I know it's been a wild, self destructive, depressing year I've been making updates on, but I want to thank you dear reader. I want to thank you for sticking with me through all of these emotions I'm still trying to figure out, and through my anxiety riddled mind, and whatever else I slapped on a document while I was emotional.
It means a lot.