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CosmicMoondog

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Good news everyone.


After making the mistake of reading that seven paragraph email I got from my dad's wife the other day, I learned that as long as I hold a controller in my hand and show passion for the things that I love, the wife is always going to see me as an irresponsible, childish, bum and that there's nothing I'll ever be able to do to change her mind. Only death can save me now. So I figured, if she thinks that I do nothing but play video games all day...why am I not making bank on that?


I know that in one of the Q&A journals I did, I mentioned playing around with the idea of starting a Youtube/Twitch channel but not knowing what to do with it nor did I have the confidence to make it happen. That's all gonna change friends. Once things start to calm down a bit, I plan on finding a job that offers...a bit more than what I make now, saving up some money, and then using some of my savings to invest in some equipment.


I'm going to be a streamer, and I'm going to attempt to make money on the side doing the one thing the wife hates most.


Something that makes me happy.

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So, I got news that the cafe I work at is closing down for a bit due to all the Corona stuff. We did stay open on Monday to serve Uber Eats/Door Dash workers and to go orders, but when news of restaurants and other dine-in establishments closing down for a couple weeks is fresh in everyone's mind and less and less people are leaving their homes, it's hard to maintain a business- even when you adapt to the world around you. We only got about 20 or so customers yesterday, and I guess we didn't see a whole lot of action today either (I was able to make pancakes for an uninterrupted amount of time for god's sake), so we're shutting our doors until further notice.

Since I magically have all of this free time on my hands and all of my usual time killing haunts are closed down, I guess that means I more time to focus on other things. There's plenty of games I haven't beaten, books I haven't read, I can go out for walks again, and now I can sit down and do some writing. 

Granted- I won't have a source of income for couple weeks and I'm bound to go crazy within the walls of my own home, but this has the possibly of being some what beneficial. I have been thinking of uploading stuff again, so maybe I'll start there.

As always, stay safe and make good decisions. I'll catch you nerds on the flip side
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I'm gonna make this intro short.

This was supposed to be uploaded a couple months ago, fuck I even made a status post about it, at 3 in the morning, like some kind of madman. But some pretty strong emotions kept me from doing it. I've calmed down a lot since then, I talked about it with a lot of people, got some opinions, did some thinking. And, while the memory is still fresh, I'm going to upload what I hope is my last large vent post. Not just for the year. I'm hoping this is the last one, period.

I give to you, a summary. This all happened late November. My grandma's clothes dryer wasn't working, I needed to do laundry. I asked my dad if I could do it at his house. He said yes. His wife found out. She took her lunch-break to come over for a """""talk""""". It turned into a screaming match and I left that house surprised that I could feel so much resentment towards one person.


A lot of things were said, but here are some of the things I took note of throughout the conversation:

  • She was not happy that my dad was informed about the things she had been saying to me, saying that it wasn't right. I told her that he had a right to know about her behavior.
  • Apparently my "plan" to drive them apart is working. I told her that I didn't have a plan and that any problems they were having as a couple was theirs alone. Also, I have no interest in fucking with their marriage. I'm not petty enough to play those games.
  • She got upset upon discovering that I was recording our conversation and demanded I stop. I told her that I had every right to do so. She demanded that I take my laundry and leave the house. I told her my dad wouldn't like that. She got over it. 
  • "Have fun sharing an apartment with your dad." Thanks, I will.
  • After telling her that she's the source of my anxiety, she retorted that she's had more anxiety than I'll ever experience and that I can't use mine as an excuse. I informed her that it wasn't a competition and I had every right to how I feel. It fell on deaf ears.
    • She also added that I give her anxiety too. I asked how. She said that me not having health insurance is very anxious for her. I don't want to be one of those people who goes, "I have blah you can't be this because you don't feel XYZ" but...that health insurance thing sounds more like a concern than anything else.
  • When asked to be given example on what she did wrong, I reminded her that she insulted my video gaming hobby and all of my hobbies in general. She claimed that she didn't remember. I retold the same story I told you guys in my previous journal. She suddenly remembered that, yes, she did say those things to me. And she still thinks that I shouldn't have hobbies because I don't have a career. 
    • This is why I record the conversations. She always denies everything.
  • I called her condescending. She seemed confused as to why I, or anyone for that matter, would call her that. She asked for a definition. I gave it to her. She disagreed with me and asked how her love and guidance was condescending. I gave her a few examples. She disagreed with me, again.
  • I made an attempt to get her to see things differently. If our roles were reversed and I had the career and she had the part time job then she wouldn't be able to enjoy her gardening, or having dogs, or going to craft shows to indulge her hoarding, or making trips to fancy restaurants in Chicago. She agreed that it sounded pretty condescending. "Yes! So you get it?!" I asked. She answered with, "No, I was only repeating what you said earlier". I almost slapped her for being a brat.
    • I like seeing people's reactions to this part of the story. They range from open mouths of shock to swears and justifiable anger.
  • She told me, "What I do with my money is none of your business." Then why is what I do with my money your business?!
  • She made a snide remark about me needing a car to get to a job, any job. Sorry my job isn't within walking distance from my house. It's a thing that a lot of people can't really control. I also can't help that I come from a family that is appalled by the idea of me taking the bus (for safety reasons, I'm not trying to shame bus people). I think she's just still upset that she wasn't the one who helped me get my first car, thus removing an element of control she could have used against me.
  • I screamed at her at one point. I told her that this was exactly why I didn't like her, why I couldn't talk to her about anything, why her standards and advice and "love" make me so goddamn anxious. She takes no responsibility for her words or actions, she twists things, she lies, she always makes herself look like the victim. I went off on her, years of pent up frustration came out in a matter of minutes. And the whole time that I did, she had to most robotic look on her face. There was no emotion; no guilt, no sadness, no empathy, perhaps there was a hint of anger but other than that...there was nothing. And it honestly scared me.
    • I think this was the moment I came to a realization: No matter what I do, no matter how loud I scream, no matter how often I repeat myself...nothing was going to change.
  • She asked where I would live when my grandma died. I told her I had at least thirty more years to figure that out, and chances are it wouldn't take me thirty years to find a new place. She informed me that living alone costs money, that bills and rent cost money. I told her I could find something affordable, I did it before. And even if I did find something a bit out of my price range, there's nothing stopping me from getting a roommate.
  • While we're on it, what's the problem with having a support group that wants to help me out? When my sister laments how she'd let me move in with her if her house was bigger, it's not because I constantly begged her to let me sleep in a spare room, it's because she knows I'm responsible and would love to help me if she had the chance. When my mom feels bad about not having any room for me in her chaotic house, it's not because I tried to worm my way under her roof, it's because she loves me. When my previous landlord offers to take time out of his day to help me find a new place so that I don't have to move back in with family, it's not because I asked him to do that, it's because he's super cool. I didn't ask any of those people to help me nor did I ever ask to move in with them, because honestly I believe....I'm not worth it. I'm not worth their time or their kindness. I didn't even ask my grandma! She offered to help and just made the decision that I was moving in a week after she made the offer. She had to drag me to her house because I was being a stubborn ass.
    • I get the feeling that she's just jealous? Even so, the wife not having anyone to rely on is not my problem, that's her own doing. If she's going to be an ass because I have people in my life that genuinely want to help, she's better off not being a part of that life.
  • She gave me an example of her own. She mentioned that my late grandpa (on my dad's side) never let any of his kids stay at his house when they needed help and she always found that decision strange. But then it hit her; why should he open his nice, peaceful, home that he put a lot of time and money into to people who just want to have fun, and make a mess, and wake everyone up when they come home because the dogs are barking, and are generally annoying. "Oh, so you think I'm annoying then?" I asked. She demanded that I answer her question and repeated the scenario again. I knew what she was trying to do and answered that not helping his kids was grandpa's decision, my grandma wanting to help me out is hers. That wasn't the answer that she was looking for and claimed this wasn't about my grandma, then repeated the question. This happened three more times before she finally gave up.
    • Also, dogs bark. That's their thing. It's something they're hardwired to do. If you don't like the noise that comes with owning a dog, then don't adopt one.
  • I brought up the three times she threatened to divorce my dad due to my behavior. She denied that it happened. I went into detail about the first time she did it, which was after I had some friends over. I admit that it was partially my fault, but my dad said having them over was okay and we weren't very rowdy for the most part. The morning after, she came at me with a list of things that needed to change on my end and if things stayed as they were, hello divorce lawyer. She asked if this happened while she was on Xanax, it might have. Apparently, she wasn't feeling like herself when she was on Xanax and wasn't in control of any of the verbal abuse she dished out, so I can't hold that against her and gotta let it go. I told her that was bullshit; pills or no pills, she still said it, it still hurt, and she has to take responsibility for it. I can't call my friend a brain dead, pig fucking, failure of a retard one day and then try to cover it up the next by saying, "I stubbed my toe when I said all of that and wasn't feeling like myself. You can't hold that against me, bro. You gotta let it go."
    • This isn't the first time she tried to get out of being responsible. Earlier this year, we had a talk over lunch and she admitted that all the pain and frustration she's brought into my life was because she was introvert. Real class act from that woman.
    • This is now an inside joke in my friend group. They'll jokingly tell me to get a career and I'll tell them to stop blaming their problems on the Xanax. I also tell them that they can't be mad at me because I'm an introvert. We have fun with it, it's that ridiculous.
  • She informed me that my dad said she wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore. I wonder if it has something to do with her being a manipulative asshole?
  • "Your dad says that 'you always mean what you say'. And 'words hurt more than fists'. And I completely agree with him." Now let me prove I didn't learn a damn thing from him and keep saying things that hurt you that I will then try to deny saying later.
  • She suggested group therapy, with my therapist. 1. That's not possible (although I wish it was). 2. Why would you want to set up an appointment with my super biased therapist? She's knows everything about your bullshit dude.
  • She thinks group therapy will fix things, all the things. However, something is holding the family back from doing this, and she claimed it wasn't her, so it's gotta be either me or my dad. First of all, I heard nothing about group therapy from him, not even a casual suggestion. Second, he probably doesn't want to put me in a situation that will start a series of panic attacks. Third, I'm done shouting at this woman and getting nothing from it. If I wanted to waste my time yelling at something and get no satisfaction when I'm done, I'll go to my nearest wall, thank you.
  • She finds it weird how I tolerated her as kid and my sister hated her, but now it's reversed. My sister wants our dad to be in her son's life, putting up with the wife is just a very unfortunate consequence. She still hates her, we talk shit about the wife often. 
  • We talked more about jobs and careers, and she mentioned that she worked in one department of the local college for fifteen years even though the whole department was constantly trying to get her fired, but she stayed because she had a family to take care of and bills to pay. And all I could think about was; if a whole department in a college campus is working together for fifteen years to get one person fired, who's the bad guy at point? What did she do to make that many people want to see her crash and burn? You know, other than being an ass.
    • She handed me a brochure with some info on it and pointed out that the woman on the front of it also had issues against her, and wanted me to guess why. I figured it had something to do with being condescending and rude.
    • She asked what she could do better. She just wanted to help. How could she deliver her "love" and "guidance" in a way that didn't start a fight or sound condescending? Should she just stop all together? I told her that she could say whatever she wanted, but by the end of the day I'm not going to give a single shit. It's okay for her to have an opinion, but she shouldn't be forcing that opinion on me.
      • Is there even a point to her begging what she can do to change? I know she doesn't mean it. She's just gonna look back on that conversation and go, "I tried being rude and passive aggressive to get my point across, but what if I tried being even more rude and passive aggressive next time? Then she'll listen!" 
    • She was taking notes throughout the conversation. It was nice of her to make a reminder on all things she doesn't give a shit about fixing.
    • She said that if she ever sounded condescending again, I should tell her and she'll try to fix it. I see no point in correcting behavior that isn't going to improve in the first place.


    ...that all happened in the span of one hour. I just wanted to do laundry.

    After a rough day and a couple hours of crying/frantically trying to distract myself from the incident, I brought all of this to my dad's attention the next day, and he's understandably tired. The dude's old, he just wants his family to get along but his wife doesn't know how to act like a decent human being. He even made me and my sister promise him years ago that we'd look out for her after he dies. But at this point, I gotta break that promise. I did what I could, I gave her more chances than I should have and suffered for it, but in the end she did all of this to herself. She tore the family apart for a reason, and I can only hope that one day she looks back and realizes she's fucked up.

    I'm proud to say that as of October 1 2019, her number has been blocked on my phone and her emails now automatically get sent to my spam folder, I don't even get a notification. It's a bitter sweat victory though, since I still see her during holidays and birthdays but also because...I should have done all of this years ago. It shouldn't have taken me this long to get here and it makes me feel like an idiot. But, my therapist told me that this was a valuable lesson for me. If I had cut her out of my life years ago, I would have never figured out why I had to do that to begin with. It would have been chalked up as rebellion. But my kindness compelled me to stick around and now I have a reason, I have several actually: she's toxic, she's a narcissist, she's irresponsible, she's the source of my anxiety and depression, she makes me hate myself.

    But in the middle of all this bullshit, I came to the realization that I'm surrounded by people who love me, and want to help, and think I'm cool...and I'm always going to have those people in my corner. And they'll always want to help and encourage me, no matter how hard I try to push them away. 

    I think it's time for me to let them help.

    With her out of the picture, I'm hoping that things will get better. I don't know how they will, or when, of if I'll even have the motivation to make it happen...but that's what I'm hoping for. And maybe, if I'm lucky, I won't have to make vent posts like this as often, or at all. Not having the constant feeling of anticipating a nasty text message is already having a positive effect on me. It feels good. I feel free. I know it's been a wild, self destructive, depressing year I've been making updates on, but I want to thank you dear reader. I want to thank you for sticking with me through all of these emotions I'm still trying to figure out, and through my anxiety riddled mind, and whatever else I slapped on a document while I was emotional. 

    It means a lot.
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    Back at it with a big 'ol vent post. 



    I'm sure you guys are aware of how vocal I am when it comes to mental health. I have anxiety and depression. Several of my friends suffer from depression. My best friend attempted suicide almost ten years ago. My sister has anxiety. My mother is showing signs of depression. My younger brother has made a few attempts of running away from home to get away from his dad, and is most likely depressed as well. My co-workers are dealing with issues of their own (one of them even has self harm scars on her arms). I'm working on a story that deals with themes of mental health, suicide, and abuse.

    Anxiety and depression have been a large part of my life. Even though I haven't begun to notice it within myself until recently, I am aware that these themes have been present in my life and possibly even shaped me into the person I am now. And though I hate this part of myself, and what it does to me, and how it makes me feel- I'm taking steps to help me come to terms with it.

    I'm talking things out, I'm seeing a therapist, I'm discussing my feelings with my dad, and I'm finding ways to help with the stress. I'm surrounded by people who sympathize with what I'm going through and offer ways to help. I'm discovering that strangers who know nothing about me but know of the anxiety, are super understanding about everything. They don't shame me for how I feel or what I can't control. People know, people care, and there are instances where people take steps to help.

    So why can't the woman my dad married, someone who upholds Christian values, values that promote love and compassion...do the same?

    I could put my dad under fire as well, but he's earnestly taking the time to learn and help. Even though there are times where it sounds like he's learned nothing about how big a part the anxiety plays in my life, he's still aware that certain topics and situations can start a panic attack and does what he can to make me comfortable. I appreciate it. I like that he tries. I like that he makes a genuine attempt to give a shit and try.

    That's all I ever ask for from the people around me. It's that simple. I know you might not feel the same excitement for certain things that I do, or understand what goes on in my head, but I won't be upset if you pretend to humor me (and vice versa).

    How about a little context? I just got back from a family vacation last weekend. Vacations, and time in general, spent with my dad and his wife never go well. I really do believe that the only reason we go on these trips is so she could parade us around on Facebook. The wife is controlling and only thinks of herself, often ignoring the feelings of others and throwing a fit when you comment on her behavior. During an outing on Sunday, my sister commented on how she had to leave early to get some things done. Instead of listening to her, the wife acknowledges my sister's wishes and then quickly wanders into several other shops all while holding her son (my nephew) hostage. When the wife ran off to the beach to have fun, my dad said that we were only there for her and to not spend too much time fucking around, which she then got upset about and preceded to dramatically march back to the car so we could start our drive back home. 

    I felt that things were going too well; there were no blow ups, panic attacks, or confrontations on my end instigated by her, and so far my dad's promise about not having to worry about anything looked like it was true. But then, on the ride home, we stopped at a place off the highway so my dad could use the bathroom and she started her bullshit. There was no provocation, I said nothing to her, I did nothing that signaled I wanted to start a fight. All I was doing was chilling out in the backseat with my Switch. I had headphones on and wasn't being loud or obnoxious while I played my game. But because I was comfortable and content for half an hour, she had an issue with it.

    I could understand if she was upset that I was glued to my system throughout the entire trip and she was sick of seeing it in my hands, but that half hour I was using it on the ride home was the only time I touched it. I brought it with me to help with the trip back home since I wasn't able to ride back with my sister, it stayed in my bag the entire time I was Michigan, I didn't even play it during the ride to Michigan or during our stay at the hotel. It was just that one half hour, in the car, on the road, on our way back to Chicago. I could also understand if she was upset that I wasn't contributing to any conversations because I was spending too much time playing "Baba Is You". But again, nothing was happening. There were no conversations going on. My dad was listening to the Bears game, the wife was sitting in silence, and I was doing my own thing. I was even reading a book at one point, but she didn't have an issue with that- even though it was bringing me just as much comfort and joy.

    But it was only the Switch that set her off. And after making some passive aggressive remarks about my grandmother- along with trying to make me feel guilty for living with her- she proceeded to insult my hobbies by calling them pointless. On top of that, she stated that I should not be allowed to play video games because I don't have a career and only semi-self sufficient, however my father- who does have a career and doesn't live with his grandma- is allowed to enjoy his.

    His half hour in the garage glued to his Ipad while he smokes isn't seen as a waste of time by her.

    My half hour of gaming in the backseat of a car to kill time and fight off a panic attack is a waste of time.

    And the fact that she waited for my dad to turn his back for two minutes just to rip into me, is what pisses me off. If she kept her mouth shut for another half hour, it would have been a good trip. But because she felt a need to lecture me from her high horse and ignore my feelings, despite her claims of wanting to repair our relationship...those two minutes alone with her ruined everything and left me frustrated. The minute I got back to my car, I had a panic attack over the phone with my best friend.

    This is what I grew up with. This is what she does to me. She knows what she does to me, and she does't care. She tearfully read me a note at the start of the year that she wrote herself, crying about how she wanted to fix things, and how God taught us to forgive, and how she understands how important mental health is...but it means nothing coming from her because I know how she is.

    And I hate that I'm still surprised by her behavior. I hate that she ignores my accomplishments and just focuses on the negatives instead, and is very vocal about said negatives. I hate how hypocritical she is. I hate the she thinks praying and going to church washes away all the pain she's caused. I hate her. I can't stand her. I'm so tired of dealing with her. And I honestly can't take it any more.

    On Wednesday, I plan on telling my dad what happened in the car when we go out for dinner. We're going to talk about her behavior and how I have no interest on improving a relationship that does not exist. And then I'm going to issue an ultimatum: either she stops acting like an opportunistic brat or I block her number from my phone and cut all contact from her. And if she refuses to correct herself, if she can't even summon one ounce of respect for her husband and his children, then I'm throwing money down on a restraining order.

    Is it a little too extreme?

    Yes, it is.

    But guess what?

    I don't care.

    I'm done caring.
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    You guys know that I don't open up much about my personal life.

    While Deviant Art does count as a "social media" site, I don't use it as such. I don't feel comfortable chronicling my life on the daily through journals or constantly uploading several status updates throughout a single day. Sure, there's the occasional blurb or a small update with some bad attempts at humor, but that's really all the social media-ing I ever do. My family would rather I make a Facebook account and join them in their oversharing crusade on echo chamber central, but I've honestly never seen the appeal in social media. I find it boring. Plus, it's super unhealthy.

    I'm silent for the most part. I observe and upload rather than interact and get involved with the online community, which I feel bad about sometimes. Especially since I've met and talked to a lot of cool people here. So, after doing some thinking, I've decided to do something I haven't really been doing a whole lot of since starting my account. I'm going to be honest with you guys about what's been happening lately. It's gonna get long and there's some rambling, so excuse me for writing several paragraphs that could have been summed up with a couple sentences in a status post.

    Things haven't been going well since the year began.

    I lost my job and have been unemployed for a couple months, I'm back to living with family, I'm stressed, I have no motivation, I'm slowly discovering that I'm not qualified for a lot of jobs related to what I forced to do in college, and I'm overly emotional. I've recently been diagnosed with mild depression and after my talks with a therapist, I discovered that all of my panic attacks have been attributed to anxiety. It's great that this mystery weight that's been holding me down for so long finally has a name, but I have no idea how to deal with it and the resulting feeling makes me believe I'm nothing but a burden to everyone. I have moments where all the stress and the emotion builds up and bubbles over into a panic attack, and the most my dad can do to help is yell at me to stop. Which, keep in mind, I CAN'T REALLY DO THAT EASILY. I wish I could shut my emotions off like I've been able to do years before, but I have no control of them now and it's one of the worst things I've felt.

    Not only that, but my long distance boyfriend broke up with me and now I get to deal with all the shit that comes with a breakup. This isn't my first rodeo, but this is the first breakup I've had with a serious partner, which really fucking sucks. And while I'm thankful that we're still keeping in touch and he continues to play a supportive role in my life (he knows about the anxiety and the abuse that caused it), it does fuck all against everything else I'm up against. Especially when I see he's moving on and getting himself out there, and all I've done is cry and do nothing in terms of healing or building my confidence back up.

    I hate that I can't be happy for him when he tells me he's seeing someone. I hate that he feels he can't share anything with me because he's afraid it will start another attack, and that makes him feel bad because he doesn't want to hurt me. I hate that I feel like I'm weighing him down and keeping him from moving forward. I hate that I'm still crying over him, months after the breakup happened. I hate that I'm afraid I'll say something so stupid to him one day that he'll just straight up ghost/block me. I know he would never do that last one, he's been (and still is) so kind and patient, but that's what the anxiety does to me.

    A lot of problems were thrown at me at once and the anxiety makes it so I don't really deal with things as well as I'd like to. It also keeps me from doing the things I love and making an attempt to find a distraction from everything...fails. Books go unread, prompts go unwritten, paper stays blank, and games don't get a lot of hours put into them. It's part of the reason I haven't uploaded anything or kept up with those promises I made. I'll sit down and try to work on something but I end up sitting there for an hour with nothing to show for it.

    It's not all doom and infinite gloom though. I recently got a part time job at a little coffee shop, it isn't much but it's something. And I think it's helping with things a bit. I don't get paid much, but the other employees seem to like me (hell, after making enough dumb jokes one person said they were glad I got hired) and it's a great change of pace from all the office work I've been doing before. I honestly don't feel as stressed as I did the other week, but I know I can't survive on part time work and slightly above minimum wadge pay forever.  

    I'm not trying to make excuses or play the sympathy card, because the last thing I want to do is use the anxiety for any of that. That just gives other people who are suffering a bad name. But I thought I'd give an update on what's been going on. I know I'm usually hard at work on a few things but my motivation is kind of dead at the moment. But I'm hoping that things will pick up a bit soon and maybe in a couple weeks, I can start doing other things again... 
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